I made you a CD, but I eated it.

by Molly Lewis

backstage exclusive
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released October 15, 2009



Track Name: MyHope
The years are going by so fast it really is bewilderin'
And we'll be so-called "grown ups" and have mortgages and children
I hope we all gain worldliness, and wisdom, maturity
But I hope most of all that MySpace falls into obscurity

I hope our profiles all go dead, entombed in distant servers
A monument of your youth, although lacking its observers
Your page will be an empty shell, when no one is behind it
I hope your MySpace stays forever - and I hope that your kids find it

How I hope that you forget your MySpace
I hope it slips completely from your mind
And I hope it stays up long enough for the next generation to find
And I hope that it embarrasses your children
I hope their bratty friends all forward it around
And I hope that you forget your password
So you cannot take it down

If your kids think you vaguely square, it will be so much clearer
When they laugh at the pictures you took in your bathroom mirror
And all the bands you listen to, your kids will be exposin'
"Who is this Soulja Boy you reference, who's 'Uh Oh Explosion'?"

They'll marvel at how old you are, they'll "rofl" at your outfits
Your tastes may pass as "vintage" in the future - but I doubt it

I hope your cynical kids say, "Holy crap, this is great
these comments date all the way back to 2008."
I hope they dig through your pictures, and find some we might call compromising
I hope that seeing young Mom in a swimsuit or smoking a hookah isn't too traumatizing
But it will be past their comprehension
They'll ask "Did Grandpa not give you enough attention?"

[insert rocking out here]

They might poke at your top 8 friends, read your comments at the most
I only wish that they could see the inane bulletins you post
Track Name: Road Trip
I thought he was my partner
Less than lovers, more than friends
He said it wouldn't last
But like the cosmos, it never ends

They say he's going steady
With some woman that I don't know
I've never met this person
But I think that I should go and say hello

I wish that he'd step back
And weigh his options for what they're worth
She may be smart and pretty
Oh, but our love has orbited the earth

I will not let her take my place
I'm in a new kind of space race

But I don't tell my parents
And I don't tell my friends
I just grab some rubber tubing
And I pull on my Depends
And then I drive
It's time for a road trip

I've printed out these letters
That he sent her, and all of that
I've written these directions
To her house, so we might have a little chat

I'll take this airsoft pistol
Should she makes threats against my life
A wig and pepper spray
And this eight inch Gerber folding knife

I will not let my man pursue her
Now she will get what's coming to her


She's just a captain in the Air Force
She's never been in outer space
I guess I'll have to go remind her
That I'm a g**damn astronaut
And she should know her place

I pass through the state border
And I'm welcomed by a sign
I can feel my heart pounding
in my temples - and justice will be mine

She's nowhere in the airport
Then I recognize her car
I see no reason why I should be fearful
I've already come this far

I will not let her victimize me
At this point nothing can surprise me

Track Name: I Pity The Fool
I used to get upset over giant papercuts and math equations
Nothing stuck in my craw more than dogfights and shopping malls and tax evasion
And sexist tabloid culture and Brangelina and paparazzi
And Proposition 8 and discrimination and neo-Nazis

But anymore these things don't seem to bother me
Ever since I started hanging out with Mr. T
He told me to stay out of drugs, and drink my milk
And treat my mother right
And I pity the fool who disagrees

I disliked Gwen Stefani for her weird-ass voice and that stupid hair of hers
And it felt like JK Rowling conspired to kill off all my favorite characters
I disliked all the people I had to ride with on the commuter bus
If Nancy Grace and I were to meet I would've kicked her in the uterus

But my attitude has had a total overhaul
Since Mr. T told me how to forgive them all
He said "let the naysayers nay, I don't care what they say,
"It's all jibber-jabber anyway"
and I pity the fool who cannot rhyme.

He said "I must go on, gotta help more kids and gotta spread my knowledge."
I said "T, please don't go." He said, "Hold it, kid! You're old and you're in college."
He said "You know all that I know, I can't teach you nothing, I swear it's true,
Go out and live your life because there's so much goodness in the world for you.

"You go watch as Bob Ross paints himself some happy trees
And those happy cows on TV make you happy cheese."
And then he dug in his spurs and rode into the sky on that thing from The Neverending Story
And I pity the fool who mess with T.
Track Name: Peep Fight
The only words in this song are
1. Peeps
2. marshmallow
3. toothpicks
4. microwave
5. stomach
6. fight
7. sword
8. put
9. the
10. in

You can probably figure out the rest from there.
Track Name: It All Makes Sense At The End
When I met you, I thought you were really smart
And even more so when we started going out
It was your intellect that really won my heart
There was so much stuff you knew so much about

I was hungry for knowledge, and I was single
I didn't want to date and really hadn't planned to
You were cool and you were smart and multilingual
And I felt like I could really understand you

But then, it went downhill
and we can never get back to our better days
I'm done, I've had my thrill
and I think we ought to go our separate ways

But it isn't you, it's me
I guess we just weren't meant to be
I thought we were inseparable, I thought you were my friend
But looking back now, it all makes sense at the end

You're sometimes vague, and you're often inconsistent
You've no opinions, you never take a stance
You're so dispassionate, you always sound so distant
And I tell you, you know zilch about romance

And not once did you ever say you love me
You sent no flowers, you NEVER called me "honey"
You always talked as if you were above me
And it feels like you are always needing money

Sometimes you generalize,
And on better days your tone is condescending
And when we talk books or films
You ALWAYS find a way spoil the ending

But it isn't you, it's me
I need someone more scholarly
I thought you had the answers, but your smarts are all pretend
And my attraction only makes sense at the end

You just believe everything you're ever told
You never question, I'm pretty sure you don't fact check
When someone puts ideas into your head
You never blink, you immediately buy it
I won't say that you have no integrity... but I might imply it

It turns out you're not the guy I thought I knew
and I think we need to stop and take a breather
I never know if what you're saying's really true
and frankly, sometimes, I don't think you know either

You have no real facts, your knowledge is all heresay
And I'm tired of playing all your stupid games
You don't keep pictures of me, and you don't know my birthday
I don't think that you even know my name

You keep tabs on other girls
But I notice there's no article for me
You're known by all the world
So I guess I'm just a droplet in the sea

But it isn't you, it's me
I owe you no apology
I know not to judge my company just based upon its looks
I'm too grown-up for your articles, it's time that I read books
Track Name: Our American Cousin
Well, here we are, Ford Theater. (Wow!) This is pretty awesome!
I don't know what this play is but I don't really care
because oh my word I can't believe the president is here!
I can't see him, but I know he's sitting up there

When Harper's Weekly runs his picture,
I like to keep it, I like to tear it out
but my husband doesn't like it when I do this.
Says he only has so much patience,
and I might just wear it out

Now the play has started but my head is somewhere else.
The way he freed the slaves or something, that's so dreamy
I wonder what his view is like from way up in that box
If I turn in my seat this way...
No, maybe this way...
He might see me

He'll be like "Who's that fetching beauty?"
and I'll wave and be like "hi"
and I'll run off with him and we'll have tons of babies
and we'll live in a log cabin and I'll stay home and brush his hair
and my husband here can — What was that noise?


He's a tyrant and a crook, if you just take a closer look
You can see the lies just dripping from his mouth
He suffocated half the land with his long and bony hand
And he doesn't give a damn about the south

He robbed us all of house and home, and then he left us all alone
It is obvious the deed that must be done
He can't be trusted with the power, and now the clock has struck the hour
I act on the behalf of everyone

And I'll liberate my country
Unseat the despot, the old rule will vanish
I will turn the page of history
We'll get a new start — Sic Semper Tyrannis!
(ow, my foot)


I don't like this play, all the actors stink and the laughs are cheap
I've been out all day, I just want to eat, I just want to sleep
It's my second term, it's a fragile peace, hope it stays around
My resolve is firm, I have made this bed, now I must lie down

My nation's come a long way
And today our many states may stand united
'Twas a heavy price we had to pay
And I hope our efforts don't go unrequited

Time has not been kind
We lost thousands of boys, I lost two of my own
North and south combined
In an orgy of violence like none we have known

Such a war was fought
Brothers fought against brothers on my command
But was it for naught
When the slave are all free in a more perfect land?

My first term went by so fast
And so far I'm thankful for the years I've had
The war is now in the past
And this play really isn't that bad —

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