Christmas is a holiday
About charity and peace
And bringing families together
For a rich and homemade feast

But Christmas, it has its issues
we wish we could do without
Are three months of "Jingle Bell Rock"
really what Christmas is all about?

But right here, I've got the answer
And I'll give it to you for free
It's secular and less commercial,
and I know that you'll agree

It's like Christmas, but it's less dirty
Without shopping, snow, or chimes
It's called Thanksgiving, you idiots
It's been here the whole time

Now I know what you're saying
"Can it really be that simple?
neh-neh-neh, I'm close-minded"
Well, shut up. Let me tell you.

Thanksgiving is much better
It's a very special day
Because it feels a lot like Christmas
And I get presents anyway

There's no dead tree in your foyer
No riots at Best Buy
We just play our ukuleles
And the cake is not a lie

It's my favorite holiday
It's Let's Give Stuff To Molly Day
It's the day I fell from my mom's womb

There's not a snowflake in the sky
The lattes taste like pumpkin pie
And you are very welcome, come back soon

Jesus's birthday is SO next month
Let's live in the here and now
Thanksgiving > Christmas anyhow