Thanksgiving vs. Christmas

by Molly Lewis

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It's the middle of November and here we are, assembled So let's jump in and get cracking For a show you won't forget We hope you don't remember other shows this might resemble What do they have that we're lacking? Like a budget? or a set? 'Cause Thanksgiving is my favorite day Though often it gets downplayed So lock the doors, you're here to stay Until my point is made It's my Thanksgiving special show With everybody you know Hope you're excited for the show you're going to see here Because if not you shouldn't be here. Took 4 weeks to write everything That we are going to sing But now it's done and on this stage here, at last Now Joseph Scrimshaw, introduce the cast Feast your eyes upon these music stands And on my sassy hairdo With some music from your favorite bands, I wrote it all for YOU It's my Thanksgiving special show So hike your pants up, let's go I swear we'll try our very hardest to amuse you Until the tryptophan subdues you Never written a show before, but that’s what we have in store And I hope for your sake I get it right It’s Thanksgiving VS. Christmas tonight It’s Thanksgiving VS. Christmas
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Thanksgiving day this year I’ll be staying here My folks can scrap and fight But I'll sleep fine tonight It's not my problem No airports, no packing Just playing games and snacking It's my job to decide If I even go outside It's not my problem And a month from now, I'll see My hometown and my family But this day is just for me. Don't know why my siblings choose To hear our dad quote Fox News Or be at the receiving end of "do you have a girlfriend?" Now that's their problem Here's what I'll do instead I'll sleep in my own bed I'll make my own cocoon And stay in bed 'till noon I'm not their problem No one cooks, no one cleans I'll make my own holiday routines 'Cause that's what adulthood means
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Doctor Who Christmas Day Gather 'round, every year For the series premiere (It's almost here) Do not tweet Spoilers please Sit right here, watch with me My friends and family Around our tree Get our sleigh bells and go for a ride And the stockings we hang are bigger on the inside Doctor Whoooo
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As the holidays commence, our pretense is that we'll spare no expense We forget all our debt Like our budgets are immense Don't think twice, of the price because my gifts are just as nice As your hauls from the malls But my aim is more precise Why be rash with my cash All my presents have panache What I'd spend, on a friend Would just end up in the trash Might seem twee, but you see All my gifts are made my me Never bland, made by hand And as cheap as cheap can be "But Nicole," you say, "that sounds absurd." "You have better things to do" But I press on, undeterred Making something just for YOU. "Oh," you say, "Now I feel bad. "And ungrateful, I might add. "I meant not to diss your work." I forgive you, selfish jerk. If my sock should lose it's pair, why despair I can make a teddy bear! Stuff it's butt, stitch it shut Try to cover up the wear From my pan-try a can Could become a robot man Perfect toy for a boy With a short attention span So I blaze through the days Til my eyeballs start to glaze Working right through the night But the effort always pays Hide my phone, sit alone And I get into the zone Lock my door, clear the floor Because I work best on my own "But Nicole," you say "I disagree" "Even Santa has his elves" Last I checked, elves don't work free We must do these things ourselves And I admit, it can be hard Especially with all these cards In place of an indentured staff Would you lick these on my behalf? But with every con I do, I met new friends, and so expands my crew When the cheer gets me here, I want them to get it too And throughout, I have doubt Like I left somebody out So I thrift, and regift Until no one is without Although shrewd, I know you'd think it's all a little rude but why blow all my dough When I could be buying food? I wear my fingers to the bone to make something exquisite But sometimes when I hand them off they say "Thanks, what is it?" Sometimes they will examine it, searching for a card But the present's right in front of them, and oh! I worked so hard They come from such a loving place, and I don't understand Why isn't it enough for them that I made these by hand? I know they're not amazing, but I work with what I've got I think it's much more valuable than something I just “bought” These took a lot of man hours, they took my time and thought It's like they don't see what it is, they just see what it's not I've countless friends that I love so More than I could have foreseen And each year I want to show Each of them how much they mean I don't know whom I love best And it aches inside my chest And this season is the worst I feel like my heart will burst
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Congrats, you have friends who are Jewish There's menorahs in all your decor Your trim is now red, green, and...blue-ish But do you know what this holiday's for? We've seen children LARP the Nativity And cosplay the first pilgrim's feast And it's nice to combine our festivities But damn, do your homework at least So let us bend your ear to the last six thousand years So your latte tastes like a candle So your turkey's overdone Dudes tried to kill our ancestors So let's eat because we won! See, Hanukkah ain't Jewish Christmas They're not equal, so don't even try We brushed with doom, and it missed us But Jesus is your central – guy? We see why you'd want to compare them They're around the same time of the year You have feels, and you're yearning to share them And we know your intent is sincere It's just one more win for the Jews So we eat and drink and – booze! Got too many presents to send? Christmas shopping not as fun? People wanted us to be extinct So let's party, guys, we won! You know it's the one in December (eh, sometimes) Your cognizance has been made clear And it's nice of you all to remember But what of the rest of the year There's Purim, Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, With Hanukkah, don't overdo it It's not us you're trying to assure You know Christmas can be intrusive You put menorah on display If you need that so you feel inclusive Well, don't let us get in your way We know you don't wanna be dicks But that's not for us to fix So your team lost at sportsball? Favorite show is in reruns? They've been after us for centuries So let's eat, because we won Punched a stranger on Black Friday? Did he snag your Xbox One? We've survived 6000 years of crap So let's eat, because we won!
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Friday morning I'm standing in line They cannot hide all the stuff inside I will make it mine Here's your warning If you're in my town I hope you'll try to avoid Best Buy I will knock you down When they open up the store I'll be right outside the door And I will score I brought layers I brought folding chairs Normally this is vagrancy Today no one cares Say your prayers The doors slide apart My shopping list in my tightened fist O be still, my heart Every man is for themselves As the crowd runs in and delves Into the shelves Now it’s showtime The hunt will begin Amid the blurs of the customers But I play to win There is no time to make compromise In front of me is a new TV And it is my prize The adrenaline is real There's no greater rush to feel Than a good deal It's the best day of the year There's nowhere I'd be but here With this cashier
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Rest in peace, Pumpkin Spice Another month of your company Sure woulda been nice But you've gone underground And egg nog's come around again It seems that everybody knows That this is just the way that November goes I think it's rather rude Pumpkin's a Thanksgiving food Why can't they coexist And why can't the seasons overlap Pumpkin peppermint and nog can be the Three Wisemen of flavors So everybody wins, and I get an extra month to savor Normal folks don't think twice But the time we have together, it just won't suffice And there is no excuse It’s not like there’s real pumpkin juice Why must you go away And why doesn’t Starbucks understand After Halloween is over I can tell your star is dimmin’ And I have to just accept that you’re the McRib, but for women But now we’re here — What a treat And the scarcity might be what makes you taste so sweet But I have to face the facts You taste like scented candle wax
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AUBREY Aunt Patty can't make it, her seat is now open And I expect nothing, but deep down I'm hopin' That this is the year I'll move up in the ranks And sit with the grownups as they give their thanks Then Mom says "Hey Aubrey come sit next to me," She says I'm mature enough, and I agree There's a plate at my setting, it's not in a stack And I know I'll never want to go back But the thought crosses my mind That I had to leave my sister behind Does she miss me? Is she sad? And then I pass the gravy boat to my dad. ANGELA My Dearest Sister Aubrey: Some say war is hell, but to those people I say they have never been seated at a table full of our relations. I am beside myself with happiness about you and your new position, though I admit that I already yearn for the days when we were a unified front against our barbarian cousins, ensuring that we got the finest, ribbed, center cut of the cylindrical cranberry sauce, which you know I cherish. And when I say, “We were a unified front,” I mean, “I made you get it for us.” But now I am left to fend for myself. Dear sister, you may have been called up to the Adult Table, but today is the day that I have had my first real taste of adulthood. And frankly, I prefer the taste of cranberry sauce. By the by, If you sense bitterness in my tone, believe me, it is not directed at you, dear sister, it is because Cousin Will dipped my hair in gravy, and tried to then feed my hair to the dog. I fear all is lost. In spite of that, I remain... Your Loving Sister, Angela Webber AUBREY The napkins are fabric, the chairs do not fold I chew with my mouth closed, just like I've been told There's cranberry sauces, whole-berry and canned And two kinds of forks, which I don't understand There’s conversing & stories instead of kids playing I nod like I grasp what the grownups are saying I get real utensils, and a breakable plate And I decide that getting older is great I'm not old — I'm only 10 And I think about my sister again Is she lonely? She'll be fine Then Grandma lets me have a taste of her wine (yuk, nope) ANGELA My dearest sister Aubrey: We have reached the summit of the third course of this ordeal of a Thanksgiving dinner. But I am happy to report the battle has turned! At first, the cousins were reluctant to accept my leadership. Cousin Michael wouldn’t stop picking his nose, and though the table voiced its objections, he insisted on continuing about his away mission into his own sinuses. I cautioned him sternly against the practice of “picking and flicking,” and warned him that if errant booger should find its way to my plate, this Thanksgiving meal would be his last. He says he will follow my orders to the letter, and I believe him. Partially because you instilled in me the idea that we humans are decent, honest, truthful folk, but mostly because I am holding his beloved stuffed bear, “Mr. Bear,” at knifepoint. I do believe I am getting the hold of this adulthood thing after all. Your loving sister, Angela Webber age 7 PS: I also learned that if I stare at someone long enough without blinking or smiling, they start to cry. So, that’s fun.
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Christmas is a holiday about charity and peace and bringing families together for a rich and homemade feast But Christmas, it has some issues We wish we could do without Are two months of "Jingle Bell Rock" really what Christmas is all about? But right here, I've got the answer And I'll give it to you for free It's secular, and less commercial And I know that you'll agree It's like Christmas, but less dirty Without shopping, snow, or chimes It's called Thanksgiving, you idiots! It's been here this whole time! Now I know what you're saying Can it really be that simple? Blah blah blah, baby Jesus, Well, shut up — Let me splain Thanksgiving is much better It's a very special day Because it feels a lot like Christmas And I get presents anyway There's no dead tree in your foyer No riots at Best Buy We just play our ukuleles And the cake is not a lie It's my favorite holiday It's "let's give stuff to Molly" day It's the day I fell from my mom's womb There's not a snowflake in the sky The lattes taste like pumpkin pie and you are very welcome! Come back soon Jesus's birthday’s a month away But mine’s happening right now Thanksgiving is greater than Christmas anyhow
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Do you know what Santa wants the most from all you girls and boys? You know it's so exhausting passing out your goddamn toys But by Labor Day each year, you start blowing up my phone I wish you lousy ingrates would leave poor St. Nick alone I just want to have Thanksgiving with my wife and all my elves But then there's all you mortals only thinking of yourselves I give 2 billion toys away, it's not a simple task A month's vacation isn't much to ask While I'm on the subject, here's a complaint I've never made But why am I the closer at the Thanksgiving Parade? There's "Thanksgiving" in the name, and it's on Thanksgiving Day Just lay your tinsel on the ground and slowly back away I've been in it 90 years, and I have not made one complaint But I am sick and tired of staring Spongebob in the taint I am Father Christmas, and that is what comes first And New York in November is the worst. (spoken:) And while I'm at it, would it kill you to leave some fruit, or some crudites? It's a lot of milk and cookies. I mean, Santa can fit down any chimney, but that doesn't mean he can't get blocked up, capiche? Thanks. I'll keep spoiling all your kids but can we please make a deal It hurts my feelings when you tell your kids that I'm not real Then the credit goes to you and the wonder goes away Why do you think I DO this job? It isn't for the pay (oh no) I see you when you're sleeping, and I know when you're awake So if you cross me, brother, you have made a big mistake I don't think it would do you little weasels any harm If just for once you let old Santa sleep through his alarm "We love you so much, Santy Claus, without you we are stuck," But frankly, I don't give a tinker's fuck
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In Alaska, it’s wintertime almost all year round And almost every tree’s a Christmas tree So when you sing of sleigh rides, and snow across the ground I find it doesn’t do that much for me You have carols about reindeer, you leave carrots out to greet them Where I'm from it’s not quite the same... We grind them up and eat them in a hash, or in a stew or with slaw and some au jus Because that's what people do in Alaska So without the glitz and shopping What makes Christmas feel unique? It's for taking stock, and stopping And for clearing out a week to be with loved ones, be together Never mind the awful weather Our Thanksgiving/Christmas season Conditions can be rough But it's all the more reason To throw a party big enough To warm us though the new year It's not much, but we make do here With the effort, and the sweat It seems like you all forget It's a time you can cut loose And by the way, I killed a moose
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Well it's been a grand endeavor And thank you for attending. We hope you learned some lessons You can go and put to use And we'd like to stay forever But now the show is ending There's no more need for guessin' Why my house all smells like moose We have two distinctive holi-days With gladness overarch-ing They both share pleasant quali-tays Of mirth and joy and starch? That's our Thanksgiving Special Show But now it's time to go If you have criticism you would like to say now Well, you can stick it in your – [VIXY: hey now!] Told our jokes and sang every verse Now it's time to disperse But I think we'd all be happy to stay For Thanksgiving VS. Christmas, [all:] HOORAY! It's Thanksgiving VS. Christmas

about

Molly Lewis stars in her first original musical, "Thanksgiving vs. Christmas."

The show features 11 new songs, performed some of the top comedy/music talent from across the country, including Kevin [goddamn] Murphy from "Rifftrax" and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" as Santa Claus.

credits

released October 20, 2015

⚡️CAST (in order of appearance)⚡️

Joseph Scrimshaw as himself / the narrator

Vixy & Tony =
• Vixy Dockrey - vocal, djembe
• Tony Fabris - guitar
• Sunnie Larsen - violin
• Betsy Tinney - cello

Molly Lewis as herself

Marian Call as herself
Seth Boyer - guitar

Josh A. Cagan as Any Alaskan

Nicole Dieker as herself

The Mongrel Jews =
• Sarah Shay - lead vocal, ukulele
• Aaron Shay - harmony vocal, banjo
• Annie Hughes - harmonica

Kiri Callaghan as Kiri of the house Callaghan

The Doubleclicks =
• Angela Webber - guitar
• Aubrey Webber - cello

Kevin Murphy as Santa Claus

⚡️CREDITS⚡️

music by Molly Lewis
book by Josh A Cagan
directed by Joseph Scrimshaw

additional dialogue by Joseph Scrimshaw

mixed & edited by Craig Montgomery
mastered by Greg Reierson

Sara Scrimshaw - stage manager
Brandi "B$" Murphy - production manager

backstage muscle
Derek Guder
Pat Race

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

tags

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