Thanksgiving vs. Christmas

by Molly Lewis

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Molly Lewis stars in her first original musical, "Thanksgiving vs. Christmas."

The show features 11 new songs, performed some of the top comedy/music talent from across the country, including Kevin [goddamn] Murphy from "Rifftrax" and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" as Santa Claus.


released October 20, 2015

⚡️CAST (in order of appearance)⚡️

Joseph Scrimshaw as himself / the narrator

Vixy & Tony =
• Vixy Dockrey - vocal, djembe
• Tony Fabris - guitar
• Sunnie Larsen - violin
• Betsy Tinney - cello

Molly Lewis as herself

Marian Call as herself
Seth Boyer - guitar

Josh A. Cagan as Any Alaskan

Nicole Dieker as herself

The Mongrel Jews =
• Sarah Shay - lead vocal, ukulele
• Aaron Shay - harmony vocal, banjo
• Annie Hughes - harmonica

Kiri Callaghan as Kiri of the house Callaghan

The Doubleclicks =
• Angela Webber - guitar
• Aubrey Webber - cello

Kevin Murphy as Santa Claus


music by Molly Lewis
book by Josh A Cagan
directed by Joseph Scrimshaw

additional dialogue by Joseph Scrimshaw

mixed & edited by Craig Montgomery
mastered by Greg Reierson

Sara Scrimshaw - stage manager
Brandi "B$" Murphy - production manager

backstage muscle
Derek Guder
Pat Race


Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.


Track Name: Molly Lewis (feat. Vixy & Tony) - Theme song + introduction
It's the middle of November
and here we are, assembled
So let's jump in and get cracking
For a show you won't forget

We hope you don't remember
other shows this might resemble
What do they have that we're lacking? Like a budget? or a set?
'Cause Thanksgiving is my favorite day
Though often it gets downplayed
So lock the doors, you're here to stay
Until my point is made

It's my Thanksgiving special show
With everybody you know
Hope you're excited for the show you're going to see here
Because if not you shouldn't be here.
Took 4 weeks to write everything
That we are going to sing
But now it's done and on this stage here, at last
Now Joseph Scrimshaw, introduce the cast

Feast your eyes upon these music stands
And on my sassy hairdo
With some music from your favorite bands,
I wrote it all for YOU
It's my Thanksgiving special show
So hike your pants up, let's go
I swear we'll try our very hardest to amuse you
Until the tryptophan subdues you

Never written a show before, but that’s what we have in store
And I hope for your sake I get it right
It’s Thanksgiving VS. Christmas tonight
It’s Thanksgiving VS. Christmas
Track Name: Seth Boyer - Not My Problem
Thanksgiving day this year
I’ll be staying here
My folks can scrap and fight
But I'll sleep fine tonight
It's not my problem

No airports, no packing
Just playing games and snacking
It's my job to decide
If I even go outside
It's not my problem

And a month from now, I'll see
My hometown and my family
But this day is just for me.

Don't know why my siblings choose
To hear our dad quote Fox News
Or be at the receiving end
of "do you have a girlfriend?"
Now that's their problem

Here's what I'll do instead
I'll sleep in my own bed
I'll make my own cocoon
And stay in bed 'till noon
I'm not their problem

No one cooks, no one cleans
I'll make my own holiday routines
'Cause that's what adulthood means
Track Name: Vixy & Tony - Song that is definitely just about Doctor Who and not about Christmas at all
Doctor Who
Christmas Day
Gather 'round, every year
For the series premiere
(It's almost here)

Do not tweet
Spoilers please
Sit right here, watch with me
My friends and family
Around our tree

Get our sleigh bells and go for a ride
And the stockings we hang are bigger on the inside
Doctor Whoooo
Track Name: Nicole Dieker (feat. Vixy & Tony) - Why I DIY
As the holidays commence, our pretense
is that we'll spare no expense
We forget all our debt
Like our budgets are immense

Don't think twice, of the price
because my gifts are just as nice
As your hauls from the malls
But my aim is more precise

Why be rash with my cash
All my presents have panache
What I'd spend, on a friend
Would just end up in the trash

Might seem twee, but you see
All my gifts are made my me
Never bland, made by hand
And as cheap as cheap can be

"But Nicole," you say, "that sounds absurd."
"You have better things to do"
But I press on, undeterred
Making something just for YOU.

"Oh," you say, "Now I feel bad.
"And ungrateful, I might add.
"I meant not to diss your work."
I forgive you, selfish jerk.

If my sock should lose it's pair, why despair
I can make a teddy bear!
Stuff it's butt, stitch it shut
Try to cover up the wear

From my pan-try a can
Could become a robot man
Perfect toy for a boy
With a short attention span

So I blaze through the days
Til my eyeballs start to glaze
Working right through the night
But the effort always pays

Hide my phone, sit alone
And I get into the zone
Lock my door, clear the floor
Because I work best on my own

"But Nicole," you say "I disagree"
"Even Santa has his elves"
Last I checked, elves don't work free
We must do these things ourselves

And I admit, it can be hard
Especially with all these cards
In place of an indentured staff
Would you lick these on my behalf?

But with every con I do, I met new friends,
and so expands my crew
When the cheer gets me here,
I want them to get it too

And throughout, I have doubt
Like I left somebody out
So I thrift, and regift
Until no one is without

Although shrewd, I know you'd
think it's all a little rude
but why blow all my dough
When I could be buying food?

I wear my fingers to the bone to make something exquisite
But sometimes when I hand them off they say "Thanks, what is it?"
Sometimes they will examine it, searching for a card
But the present's right in front of them, and oh! I worked so hard
They come from such a loving place, and I don't understand
Why isn't it enough for them that I made these by hand?
I know they're not amazing, but I work with what I've got
I think it's much more valuable than something I just “bought”
These took a lot of man hours, they took my time and thought
It's like they don't see what it is, they just see what it's not

I've countless friends that I love so
More than I could have foreseen
And each year I want to show
Each of them how much they mean

I don't know whom I love best
And it aches inside my chest
And this season is the worst
I feel like my heart will burst
Track Name: The Mongrel Jews - We Won! (The Hanukkah Song)
Congrats, you have friends who are Jewish
There's menorahs in all your decor
Your trim is now red, green,
But do you know what this holiday's for?

We've seen children LARP the Nativity
And cosplay the first pilgrim's feast
And it's nice to combine our festivities
But damn, do your homework at least

So let us bend your ear
to the last six thousand years

So your latte tastes like a candle
So your turkey's overdone
Dudes tried to kill our ancestors
So let's eat because we won!

See, Hanukkah ain't Jewish Christmas
They're not equal, so don't even try
We brushed with doom, and it missed us
But Jesus is your central – guy?

We see why you'd want to compare them
They're around the same time of the year
You have feels, and you're yearning to share them
And we know your intent is sincere

It's just one more win for the Jews
So we eat and drink and – booze!

Got too many presents to send?
Christmas shopping not as fun?
People wanted us to be extinct
So let's party, guys, we won!

You know it's the one in December (eh, sometimes)
Your cognizance has been made clear
And it's nice of you all to remember
But what of the rest of the year

There's Purim, Passover, Shavuot,
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur,
With Hanukkah, don't overdo it
It's not us you're trying to assure

You know Christmas can be intrusive
You put menorah on display
If you need that so you feel inclusive
Well, don't let us get in your way

We know you don't wanna be dicks
But that's not for us to fix

So your team lost at sportsball?
Favorite show is in reruns?
They've been after us for centuries
So let's eat, because we won

Punched a stranger on Black Friday?
Did he snag your Xbox One?
We've survived 6000 years of crap
So let's eat, because we won!
Track Name: Kiri Callaghan (feat. Vixy & Tony) - Black Friday
Friday morning
I'm standing in line
They cannot hide all the stuff inside
I will make it mine

Here's your warning
If you're in my town
I hope you'll try to avoid Best Buy
I will knock you down

When they open up the store
I'll be right outside the door
And I will score

I brought layers
I brought folding chairs
Normally this is vagrancy
Today no one cares

Say your prayers
The doors slide apart
My shopping list in my tightened fist
O be still, my heart

Every man is for themselves
As the crowd runs in and delves
Into the shelves

Now it’s showtime
The hunt will begin
Amid the blurs of the customers
But I play to win

There is no time
to make compromise
In front of me is a new TV
And it is my prize

The adrenaline is real
There's no greater rush to feel
Than a good deal
It's the best day of the year
There's nowhere I'd be but here
With this cashier
Track Name: The Pumpkin Spice Lament
Rest in peace, Pumpkin Spice
Another month of your company
Sure woulda been nice
But you've gone underground
And egg nog's come around again

It seems that everybody knows
That this is just the way that November goes
I think it's rather rude
Pumpkin's a Thanksgiving food

Why can't they coexist
And why can't the seasons overlap
Pumpkin peppermint and nog can be the Three Wisemen of flavors
So everybody wins, and I get an extra month to savor

Normal folks don't think twice
But the time we have together, it just won't suffice
And there is no excuse
It’s not like there’s real pumpkin juice

Why must you go away
And why doesn’t Starbucks understand
After Halloween is over I can tell your star is dimmin’
And I have to just accept that you’re the McRib, but for women

But now we’re here — What a treat
And the scarcity might be what makes you taste so sweet
But I have to face the facts
You taste like scented candle wax
Track Name: The Doubleclicks - The Promotion
Aunt Patty can't make it, her seat is now open
And I expect nothing, but deep down I'm hopin'
That this is the year I'll move up in the ranks
And sit with the grownups as they give their thanks

Then Mom says "Hey Aubrey come sit next to me,"
She says I'm mature enough, and I agree
There's a plate at my setting, it's not in a stack
And I know I'll never want to go back

But the thought crosses my mind
That I had to leave my sister behind
Does she miss me? Is she sad?
And then I pass the gravy boat to my dad.

My Dearest Sister Aubrey:
Some say war is hell, but to those people I say
they have never been seated at a table full of our relations.
I am beside myself with happiness about you and your new position, though I admit that I already yearn for the days when we were a unified front against our barbarian cousins, ensuring that we got the finest, ribbed, center cut of the cylindrical cranberry sauce, which you know I cherish.
And when I say, “We were a unified front,” I mean, “I made you get it for us.”
But now I am left to fend for myself.
Dear sister, you may have been called up to the Adult Table, but today is the day that I have had my first real taste of adulthood. And frankly, I prefer the taste of cranberry sauce.
By the by, If you sense bitterness in my tone, believe me, it is not directed at you, dear sister, it is because Cousin Will dipped my hair in gravy, and tried to then feed my hair to the dog.
I fear all is lost.
In spite of that, I remain... Your Loving Sister,
Angela Webber

The napkins are fabric, the chairs do not fold
I chew with my mouth closed, just like I've been told
There's cranberry sauces, whole-berry and canned
And two kinds of forks, which I don't understand

There’s conversing & stories instead of kids playing
I nod like I grasp what the grownups are saying
I get real utensils, and a breakable plate
And I decide that getting older is great

I'm not old — I'm only 10
And I think about my sister again
Is she lonely? She'll be fine
Then Grandma lets me have a taste of her wine
(yuk, nope)

My dearest sister Aubrey:
We have reached the summit of the third
course of this ordeal of a Thanksgiving dinner. But I am happy to report the battle has turned!
At first, the cousins were reluctant to accept my leadership. Cousin Michael wouldn’t stop picking his nose, and though the table voiced its objections, he insisted on continuing about his away mission into his own sinuses. I cautioned him sternly against the practice of “picking and flicking,” and warned him that if errant booger should find its way to my plate, this Thanksgiving meal would be his last.
He says he will follow my orders to the letter, and I believe him. Partially because you instilled in me the idea that we humans are decent, honest, truthful folk, but mostly because I am holding his beloved stuffed bear, “Mr. Bear,” at knifepoint.
I do believe I am getting the hold of this adulthood thing after all.
Your loving sister, Angela Webber
age 7
PS: I also learned that if I stare at someone long enough without blinking or smiling, they start to cry. So, that’s fun.
Track Name: Molly Lewis (feat. Vixy & Tony) - Thanksgiving > Christmas
Christmas is a holiday
about charity and peace
and bringing families together
for a rich and homemade feast

But Christmas, it has some issues
We wish we could do without
Are two months of "Jingle Bell Rock"
really what Christmas is all about?

But right here, I've got the answer
And I'll give it to you for free
It's secular, and less commercial
And I know that you'll agree

It's like Christmas, but less dirty
Without shopping, snow, or chimes
It's called Thanksgiving, you idiots!
It's been here this whole time!

Now I know what you're saying
Can it really be that simple?
Blah blah blah, baby Jesus,
Well, shut up — Let me splain

Thanksgiving is much better
It's a very special day
Because it feels a lot like Christmas
And I get presents anyway

There's no dead tree in your foyer
No riots at Best Buy
We just play our ukuleles
And the cake is not a lie

It's my favorite holiday
It's "let's give stuff to Molly" day
It's the day I fell from my mom's womb

There's not a snowflake in the sky
The lattes taste like pumpkin pie
and you are very welcome! Come back soon

Jesus's birthday’s a month away
But mine’s happening right now
Thanksgiving is greater than Christmas anyhow
Track Name: Kevin Murphy - Santa's Song
Do you know what Santa wants the most from all you girls and boys?
You know it's so exhausting passing out your goddamn toys
But by Labor Day each year, you start blowing up my phone
I wish you lousy ingrates would leave poor St. Nick alone

I just want to have Thanksgiving with my wife and all my elves
But then there's all you mortals only thinking of yourselves
I give 2 billion toys away, it's not a simple task
A month's vacation isn't much to ask

While I'm on the subject, here's a complaint I've never made
But why am I the closer at the Thanksgiving Parade?
There's "Thanksgiving" in the name, and it's on Thanksgiving Day
Just lay your tinsel on the ground and slowly back away

I've been in it 90 years, and I have not made one complaint
But I am sick and tired of staring Spongebob in the taint
I am Father Christmas, and that is what comes first
And New York in November is the worst.

And while I'm at it, would it kill you to leave some fruit, or some crudites? It's a lot of milk and cookies. I mean, Santa can fit down any chimney, but that doesn't mean he can't get blocked up, capiche? Thanks.

I'll keep spoiling all your kids but can we please make a deal
It hurts my feelings when you tell your kids that I'm not real
Then the credit goes to you and the wonder goes away
Why do you think I DO this job? It isn't for the pay (oh no)

I see you when you're sleeping, and I know when you're awake
So if you cross me, brother, you have made a big mistake
I don't think it would do you little weasels any harm
If just for once you let old Santa sleep through his alarm
"We love you so much, Santy Claus, without you we are stuck,"
But frankly, I don't give a tinker's fuck
Track Name: Marian Call - In Alaska
In Alaska, it’s wintertime almost all year round
And almost every tree’s a Christmas tree
So when you sing of sleigh rides,
and snow across the ground
I find it doesn’t do that much for me

You have carols about reindeer,
you leave carrots out to greet them
Where I'm from it’s not quite the same...
We grind them up and eat them
in a hash, or in a stew
or with slaw and some au jus
Because that's what people do
in Alaska

So without the glitz and shopping
What makes Christmas feel unique?
It's for taking stock, and stopping
And for clearing out a week to be with loved ones, be together
Never mind the awful weather

Our Thanksgiving/Christmas season
Conditions can be rough
But it's all the more reason
To throw a party big enough
To warm us though the new year
It's not much, but we make do here

With the effort, and the sweat
It seems like you all forget
It's a time you can cut loose
And by the way, I killed a moose
Track Name: Molly Lewis (feat. Vixy & Tony), company - Closing theme
Well it's been a grand endeavor
And thank you for attending.
We hope you learned some lessons
You can go and put to use

And we'd like to stay forever
But now the show is ending
There's no more need for guessin'
Why my house all smells like moose

We have two distinctive holi-days
With gladness overarch-ing
They both share pleasant quali-tays
Of mirth and joy and starch?

That's our Thanksgiving Special Show
But now it's time to go
If you have criticism you would like to say now
Well, you can stick it in your – [VIXY: hey now!]

Told our jokes and sang every verse
Now it's time to disperse
But I think we'd all be happy to stay
For Thanksgiving VS. Christmas, [all:] HOORAY!
It's Thanksgiving VS. Christmas

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